Clucking on death's door

So Anna and I are driving back into Decatur a couple of days ago and I notice a chicken standing perfectly still in the median of the highway. So Anna insists that I turn around so we can see if that was truly what I had seen. Well after seeing that this was indeed a chicken Anna then insisted that I call the police. Now I knew that the police had no desire to run a call to look after this chicken...I knew that the chicken wasn't causing a road hazard beyond my car sitting still in the turn lane...but I had to call. Not because I'm whipped mind you...but mainly because of this....

















My normally fashion conscience wife-to-be was standing in the middle of Hwy 31 in wind pants, socks, and high heels trying to keep this chicken from a certain smashing. Now because I didn't have the phone number for the fashion police...I called Decatur PD. Now I'm a compassionate person. I love animals. But this chicken had clearly fallen off of a truck destined for the chicken plant. It was injured and was clucking on death's door. But I made the call anyway.

Dispatcher: "Central Dispatch"
Me: "Uh yeah...I kind of have a weird thing here.."
Dispatcher: "Okay"
Me: "I'm at the corner of 6th and Wilson and there is a chicken in the middle of the road...my girlfriend made me call..."
Dispatcher: "----"
Me: {Hysterical laughter breaks out on my end of the phone} "She's standing in the middle of 6th Avenue in windpants and high heels...I'm sorry...this is just too funny"
Dispatcher: "Listen I understand her...I would be doing the same thing. I have an officer on the way"

So the officer shows up...we laugh a little...and he picks it up and takes it over to a flower bed in the parking lot of a convenience store nearby.

The next night Anna decides that she is going to go by and check on the bird. This is where the irony gets thick. I'm eating a chicken sandwich...serious business...an Arby's chicken/bacon/swiss sandwich. She stops at a grocery store to buy the chicken some corn and water. Well she gets back in the jeep and the first thing she says is "Oh I want a bite of that". ? I'm sorry...you are going to great effort to prolong the existence of this chicken...yet you are jonesing for a bite of my CHICKEN sandwich? Oh the irony.

The last time I looked the little original recipe was still hanging out in his Shell station flower bed.

Best of luck to you little buddy...I'm sure we'll meet again...maybe over lunch?

Thanks Mickey!

I just got back from a work trip at a Disney World Resort. Yeah I know...not a bad way to work. But there is only so much of the Happiest Place on Earth that one man can handle.

Now maybe I grew up sheltered...but I have never had the opportunity to enjoy a theme park turkey leg. Well I made sure I changed that while inside of Disney MGM-Studios.

















I haven't had a meal make me feel this manly since that time I accidently ate a roofing shingle.

Happy birthday!

Today "Dave's Blog" turns one. Just like any one-year-old on his birthday...I have already eaten my cake with my hands, cried, and gone to sleep.

So here's to Dave's Blog! May the next year see it become more of a contribution to society and less of an embarrassment to my family.

Happy Valentine's Day.....

.....from me and some fat guy dressed as cupid. I'll explain later.

More things than linens

You will have to look closely at this picture to see it...but Anna is registering at Linens and Things.















You will have to look closely at this picture to see it...but I am registering at Linens and Things.

I'm a fashion imbecile.

Last night Anna called me a fashion imbecile. I had to applaud her on her defaming creativity.

So my car is pretty dirty

Now I know that the back seat of my car has gotten a little cluttered lately. It's been on my list of things to do for several weeks now. But last night at the Jack's drive-thru I was given the last piece of motivation to go ahead and get it clean. The following conversation is real...

Jack's lady: Hi, how are you?
Me: I'm good how are you?
Jack's lady: Are you on your way back to college?
Me: (silently lower my head to laugh)
Jack's lady: Oh I'm sorry...are you moving or something?
Me: No maam...I'm just junky...thanks.

Dogs up, Cats down.

Here are a few reasons that I have come up with as to why dogs are superior to cats. Not being David Letterman...I will refrain from making this a top ten list.

1. I've never seen a blind person with a seeing eye cat.
2. When there is a bomb threat they never enter the building with a bomb sniffing cat.
3. How many handicapped kids do you know with an assist cat?
4. When someone escapes from prison they never hunt them down with a tabby.
5. If someone is smuggling weed in from Mexico...a cat could never find it in the luggage.
6. I have never seen a cat fetch...ever.
7. If you live in the ghetto and want to keep intruders away...you don't buy a cat.
8. If you go hunting and shoot a duck...a cat might rub up against your leg...but it won't retrieve the duck.
9. If you hooked a half dozen cats up to a sled and sent them off to Alaska you would die of starvation and/or hypothermia.

I rest my case. Woof.

A new campaign

Today as I sat in the mall food court eating my lunch I was reminded of something I've always known. People have no idea what they look like when they leave the house in the morning. Now don't get me wrong...my eyes barely match...let alone my shirt and pants. But I've always thought that a great way to eradicate things such as halter tops on the elderly....wife beater tank tops on those of a hairy persuasion...and many more non-eye-pleasing looks would be to start a campaign to hand out mirrors for free. Please join me in my battle against this epidemic. Join the Mirrors Across America campaign and help us all reflect on what we wear out in public. Thank you.