Thursday, December 29, 2005

My Greatest Hits Album

These are (in my opinion) the most memorable quotes from my blog over the past year plus a link to their original post. Happy New Year everybody!

If you don't buy me flowers you are the inconsiderate, selfish, lazy, waste of space my mother says you are.
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I mean...if you went through the emotional and physical drama of being shot at...wouldn't you hate to have that badge of courage imitated by anyone with a knowledge of their nearest novelty shop?
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This kind of reminds me of those old twilight zone episodes where a kid would find out that his mom was really a robot.
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For those two minutes I was back in 1990. Eleven years old...tight rolled jeans...lovin' me some Hammer.
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Women have Lifetime Original Movies and men have music. It's that simple.
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I didn't feel comfortable sleeping in the spider infested bed....but I knew if I had to open a long neck...they had my back.
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Oh and by the way....how many fair skinned,red headed guys named "Horatio" do you know?
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It's called "The Dirty Thirty"
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All I have to do is come up with an engine that will run off of dog hair. I would call it the Labradorian.
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I feel like any tear shed over a sporting event is a tear filled with testosterone.
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You had me at hello...now shut-up already.
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"Hey there's a penny in the urinal! I guess I'll leave it there."
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11. Top ten lists are stupid.
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"A father's nipple is just a fleshy substitute."
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"Why don't you pass him from your loins and then we will talk."
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So far the only thing even remotely resembling emotion that this bird has shown was when he pooped on my flip-flop.
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"A midget has broken into my house...not again!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

*cough* *gasp* *cough*




















I don't mean to alarm anyone...but I think I've been breathing mustard gas for the better part of the day.

The building I work in is on a military installation...on the site of an old mustard gas production facility...or so I'm told. I think my cubicle is seeping that stuff.

***Update 12/29/05***

When I told Anna about this...as you can imagine...I got a blog-worthy answer.

Anna: "I would buy one of those mustard gas detectors."
Me: {blank stare}
Anna: "The Soviets produced them."

If you see Anna today...wish her a happy birthday. Perhaps a nice card...phone call....or Soviet produced mustard gas detector would be in order.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Nocturnal grocery list creation

Today's random text message was sent to me from my friend Marianne. I got a message from her this morning...completely out of the blue that said this:

butter

When questioned about this she said that she woke up with her cell phone in her hand and that she had no idea that she had sent that message until she checked her outbox.

Crazy.

Friday, December 23, 2005

I can die happy

Some folks threw Anna and I an engagement party recently and people were told to bring us Christmas related gifts. Decorations, ornaments, etc... By the way...none of my boys showed up for this party. It was kind of like going to a stadium to play an away game and not having any of your fans show up. But I digress. I told Anna that the only gift I was interested in getting was a dancing Santa Clause. She laughed...I didn't. I kept telling her how disappointed I was going to be if that party came and went and there wasn't a mechanical Kris Kringle in my living room. Well the party came and went...no rug cuttin' Santa to be found. But being the loving fiancé (by the way..not a word either one of us are comfortable with) Anna surprised me with the one gift that has made my holiday season complete.




















Here I am dancing the night away with his jollyness himself. Now granted...I wasn't prepared for the fear that Santa would strike in me each morning. You know my brain apparently forgets about dancing Santa each night when I go to sleep. So when I go to turn on the stereo first thing in the morning I am scared to death by the silhouetted figure of a shorter than usual Santa Clause. My brain says, "A midget has broken into my house...not again!"

Merry Christmas everybody!

Monday, December 19, 2005

O fill my cup

Lately I am on fire for Hardee's steak biscuits. I noticed that Hardee's (or Carl's Jr. to some of you) have recently redesigned their cups. On these new spiffy cups they have included quotes from different news organizations that praise Hardee's. For example:

















Well imagine my surprise when I looked at my cup from this morning. I can't believe it!


Friday, December 16, 2005

Hello Michael.

iTunes has began offering television shows on their music store. Desperate Housewives, Lost, and many other current shows. I look today and they are now offering vintage NBC shows. Now I don't want to get any of you too excited...but it appears that they are offering the entire first season of Knight Rider. David Hasselhoff's chest hair was in it's infancy...his Caucasian fro was just finding it's groove...and he drove the coolest car ever.











The promo for the shows on iTunes listed David Hasselhoff as an "International Superstar". And it's not just the Germans who love him....I mean look at him....leather jacket...snakeskin belt....ill advised thumbs up. Friends that is classic television. I'm going to need a moment.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Those crazy French

I heard this on Rick and Bubba this morning....ew.
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Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach—and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!


“I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams,” the rattled bachelor later admitted. “And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she’d said she would.

“But when I got close, she turned around—and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn’t know what to say. All I could think was, ‘Oh my God! it’s Mama!’ “

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

“Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop,” recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. “The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it—and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o’clock news. “People started pointing and laughing at us on the street—and they haven’t stopped laughing since.”

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole—who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb—while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

“Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was,”
said flabbergasted Daniel.

“The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.
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Better luck next time Prince of Pleasure.

If you guys need me I'll be taking 9 showers in a row.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

My future face

While visiting another blog I came across a link to this site (www.myheritage.com) that will allow you to upload a photo of yourself and it then matches it to the the celebrity you most resemble.
































This is Edward Said. He was a well-known Palestinian-born American literary theorist, critic and outspoken Palestinian activist. Or "what I may look like in 40 years" as I like to refer to him.

Anna told me once that I looked like Ben Affleck...................wait for it.........................in dim light. How flattering.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Death to the soliloquy!!

Don't get me wrong...I'll tap my foot and sing along with some country songs. I've even played a few during my acoustic shows. But we have got to do something about some of these songs. I was eating lunch today and the restaurant was playing Kenny Chesney's "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy". I sent Anna a text message to get her take on this song. Here was her response...

"
What exactly
is 'sexy' about a tractor? The tractor driver may be sexy, but who actually lusts over a hunk of metal?"

Hey Nashville...Dave here...Listen I'm not sure how you guys feel about disturbing the dead but that sound you just heard was Hank Williams Sr. rolling over in his grave.

While I'm on country music...allow me to announce what is quite possibly my biggest pet peeve. Artist who speak lyrics during their songs. Just imagine nails on a chalkboard...multiplied by 50. This is what it does to me. I'll give the following hall passes to these songs/artist due to their seniority and legendary status:

George "The Possum" Jones - He Stopped Loving Her Today
Conway "The Fro" Twitty - Hello Darlin'



Feel free to suggest any other songs/artist that I should give a pass to.

Friday, December 09, 2005

I mock your smock















Hello...my name is David...and I'm a smock mocker.

You know if they called it a vest...it wouldn't be funny at all.

I'd like to thank Evan for sponsoring this post with the use of his Wal-mart smock.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Overheard ignorance

The following is a good reason not to do business with someone.
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Woman: "I would love to do business with you...what's your e-mail address and I'll send you my information."

That Guy: "Sure...it's johndoe, A with a circle, mybusiness.com."

Woman: "Mmkay thanks"

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The @ sign is relatively new I guess.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Say it ain't O Dave...say it ain't O.

You either relent to her awesome power or you are destroyed. The O is simply too strong.

















.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I don't wanna grow up

I wrote a post a few days ago called "Forever Young". When I wrote that I was mostly kidding around. Today I have a different take on that thought. Please forgive me as I get a little more heavy than usual.

When we are kids we live in a complete state of ignorant bliss. Our worries never extend beyond the next distraction. Looking back on that...it was awesome. I once heard someone say that when a child cries over something...whether it be a broken toy...because they didn't get their way...or whatever...that it is just as traumatic and upsetting to them as it is to an adult who is upset over something "mature". But regardless of that fact...the disappointment and the heartache subside far quicker in the heart of a child than in an adult.

I was talking to a close friend last night who called with some bad news regarding some other friends of ours. I made the comment to him that being an adult is simply no fun. Back in the day...we rarely worried about anything as tragic as death or as heartbreaking as infidelity. We shook off any oncoming grief by simply going outside to play or sitting down in front of a video game. We rarely had to come up with words to comfort our best friends during a time of heart wrenching grief or disappointment.

Couples stayed true to each other and stayed together. Babies were born healthy and grew up strong. There was always plenty of money and bills always got paid on time. There was no stress and zero worry. It was a perfect world...and then you grow up.


I Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.