I'm the wind beneath his wings

My buddy Bart has started himself a blog...claiming that I was his inspiration. Bless his heart.

http://www.studiobart.blogspot.com/

I'm awkward and acne covered again

If you will notice at the top right hand corner of this page (inside the blue strip) there is a button that says "Next Blog". This sends you to a random blog. Well just out of random curiosity I decided to click on this button tonight. Due to this decision I am now enrolled in Mr. A's eighth grade Literature, Grammar, and Writing class. Check it out. I'm thinking about asking Carol to go with me to the 8th grade dance/ice cream social...so everybody keep their fingers crossed for me.

I'm off to Wal-mart to buy a new Trapper-Keeper.

I'm taking the dog to the Veg

My buddy Evan and I were driving to Birmingham VERY early yesterday morning and we passed a sign in a strip mall...the following conversation is real.

Evan: Vegetarian? What's that all about?
Me: (After looking at the sign) You mean Veterinarian?
Evan: I'm not awake yet.
Me: That would be where you would take your non-meat-eating pet when they got sick.

Who is Ashley?

I couldn't help but notice that the towel I dried off with this morning had "Ashley" embroidered on it. This might not be weird unless you take into account the fact that I think I only know one or two Ashleys and neither one of them have ever even been to my house...let alone showered there.

A memo to car dealers

Memo:

To: All automobile dealers
From: Dave

The following things will not make me want to purchase a car from you. In fact they make me want to take my business elsewhere.

1. Suspending a car from a platform via a crane.
2. Placing a car on a rotating platform.
3. Yelling at me about your prices on the radio.
4. Yelling at me about your prices on the television.
5. Dressing someone up as "your goofy old uncle Marcus" for your hour long infomercial on cable access.
6. Telling me how crazy you are for how low your prices are.
7. Acting like the boss is out-of-town and you are now "slashing" prices.
8. Saying that you are "slashing" prices.
9. Telling me that you are selling me a car for what you paid for it. You and I both know that this is a ridiculous claim.

Please do us all a favor and cease from these sales tactics. They insult your customers intelligence. Tell your salesmen to cut back on the hair gel, the cigarettes, and the lame banter...and simply tell me how much the car costs.

Thank you for your time.

Dave

A bathroom dialogue

I had to take Hayden (the middle of my sisters boys) to the bathroom last night at church. The following conversation is from that event:

Hayden: (After using the word "poop") Oops...Mommy said I'm not supposed to say that.
Me: Poop?
Hayden: Yeah...even big guys aren't supposed to say it and especially big womens...cause they freak out.
Me: Gotcha

Come to find out this G-rated profanity "poop" was being used repeatedly by the pre-schooler and he was told that he wasn't supposed to say it anymore. Was I wrong in teaching him the term "fecal matter"?

Ok...I never do this...but..

I was tagged by Paul at "Paul's Psycho Circus" to complete this survey. Now granted...I normally refuse to do such things....you know...surveys. But who am I to turn down the request of one of my readers. Consider the plural portion of "readers" to be a liberal use of the plurality.

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1) Get married.
2) Have kids.
3) Quit worrying about money.
4) Raise my kids to be good Christians.
5) Be published in Sports Illustrated's "Leading Off".
6) Buy one of those flying cars they've been promising us for years.
7) Retire young enough to enjoy my wife, kids, and grandkids.

7 things I can do:

1) Count to 3 (photographers joke)
2) Tell a joke
3) Eat
4) Play guitar
5) Write a song
6) Be painfully rational
7) Entertain a kid

7 things I cannot do:

1) Complete a household repair correctly the first time
2) Read music
3) Speak spanish
4) Carpentry
5) Get up early to work out
6) Remember things I've already done
7) Remember things I've already done

7 things that attract me to another person:

1) commitment to God
2) Looks (come on...it's true for everybody)
3) smile
4) sense of humor
5) I refuse to answer the following three questions in light of their relation to #2
6)
7)

7 things that I say most often:

1) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3
2) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3
3) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3
4) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3
5) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3
6) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3
7) 1,2, 3 okay once more...1,2, and 3

7 celebrity crushes:

1) That 30 minute meals lady
2) Reese Witherspoon
3) Janet Reno
4) Oprah
5) Whoopi Goldberg
6) Catherine Zeta Jones
7) SEC Cheerleaders...the female ones.

I'm not here

Today a buddy of mine sent us an e-mail that said, "Are you in?". As I pointed out to Andrew...that would be like mailing someone a letter and writing in it "Are you home?"

Balki...love ya...mean it.

uh-oh

"Plague-infected lab mice missing in New Jersey

NEWARK, N.J. - Three mice infected with the bacteria responsible for bubonic plague apparently disappeared from a laboratory about two weeks ago, and authorities launched a search though health experts said there was scant public risk."

Somewhere in New Jersey somebody's cat just got a bad case of heart burn.

It's amazing how important a "g" can be.

This from a church bulletin:

"This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

Aww...what a cute little...uh...baby.

It is well known among my friends and family that I would like for any future male offspring of mine to be dressed as such...male...masculine...etc... Anna and I have had this discussion many times. No offense to those of you who dress your little boys in those little froo-froo outfits...but I'm just not down with it. I would like my future little boy to be dressed as a little man...not a little girl. So Anna sends me a funny link to a site selling dog clothes and I tell her that God dressed dogs well enough...they don't need anymore clothes, shoes, or accessories of any kind. I told you that so I could tell you this...

Here is an e-mail exchange between Anna and I after the dog clothes link was sent:

Me: "What if you dress up a little dog in sailor suits and spare my little boy...deal?"
Anna: "Why don't you pass him from your loins and then we will talk."

Ah yes...the undefeated trump card that women hold...child birth.

The Compliment of the Weekend

From my buddy Larry after I finished eating a multiple steak and bratwurst meal...

"David you are the most carnivorous person I know."

Honestly...I'm touched.

If I were the New Orleans mayor...

I would give my police officers the order to take a bullhorn and announce that starting at noon today that anyone who appears to be a looter...will be shot and killed on sight. They might not believe it then...but as soon as a few of them got dropped while carrying such "survival" items such as Heineken beer, televisions, and jewelry...that looting business would stop. God love the people who are taking things to feed their family...I understand that completely. But for all the low lifes who are stealing just because they can...I hope you get what is coming to you.

A conversation...

If you had been a fly on the upholstery in my car today you would have heard the following coversation when Michael Jackson's "Beat It" came on the radio.

Me: "Michael Jackson used to be so cool!"
Anna: "So did slap bracelets."
**long pause**
Me: "Yeah...good point. "

God bless

God bless the thirsty, the hungry, and the exhausted. God bless the fathers who are trying to lead their families...yet has no idea where to go...or what to do. God bless the mothers who can't comfort or feed their children. God bless the babies who are hungry, hot, and can't understand. God bless the elderly who helplessly watched the water rise around them until it was too late. God bless the family who doesn't know the condition or whereabouts of a loved one. God bless the rescuer who is weary, grief stricken, and relentless. God bless the leaders who are overwhelmed with difficult decisions. God bless the grieving. God bless the sick. God bless the dying.

God bless them all.

Amen